Chris Diary 克里斯的日记

Chris Diary 克里斯的日记
 
      
    It had been raining for more than a week, so much rain it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. She called and said she was coming up. It was the third time she came up to see me that week.

I carried her excuse of why she came all the way here and went to meet her at the nearby 7-11. She was standing there alone, carrying her red umbrella. Her friend had dropped her off. It was raining and she was shivering. She looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm. I walked up to her and said, “You shouldn’t come see me anymore,” and stuff like how we shouldn’t be together.

    She said, “I miss you.”

    I told her coldly, “Lets go, I’ll take you home.”

    She did not open up her umbrella, I knew she wanted to share mine.
I said, “Open up your umbrella, let’s go.”

    Unwillingly, She opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car. She said she hadn’t eat lunch or dinner and asked if we could stop at some place to eat.

    Right away I answered with a stoned heart, “No!”

    Disappointed, she asked me to take her to the train station; she said she would take the train back home.

    Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. We waited and waited, she looked at me innocently. Being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. I understand how she must feel when she came all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat her like this. With her soft eyes staring at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let her stay for the night.

    But reality struck again, I said to her coldly, “Let’s go try the other train station.”

    We were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. Back then there were four of us, and we got along well. We would always eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping. We were more like a family, but I didn’t know I would end up falling in love with the only girl of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of college, having living together for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. After she graduated she went back home, and I stayed for one more year to finish school. During that year I was only able to take the train down to see her on holidays, but never for long. That was how we kept the treasured relationship.

    We were walking along the side of the road. She was in front of me and I was right behind her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. Many times, she was too into thinking or whatever she was doing, drifting off the road, she almost got hit by the cars passing by. I wanted to just take her in my arms, but with the love I had for her and the constant pain in my stomach, I did nothing. On the way, we passed by the park where we use to always go.

    She begged and said, “Lets go in the park just for a little while please, I promise I’ll go

home right after this.”

    With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up an annoyed face and walked in the

park. I was just sitting on the benches looking like I wanted to leave. She went to the big oak tree

and she was looking for something. I knew she was looking for what we wrote on that tree with a

silver ink pen half a year ago. If I remember it right, it said, “Chris and Susan was here, Chris

had tea and Susan was drinking hot chocolate. Hope Chris and Susan would always remember this day,

always loving each other, forever.” She was looking around for quite a while, then she came back

slowly with tears on her face.

    She said, “Chris, I can’t find it, it’s not there anymore.”

    I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I’ve

never felt before. But all I could do was pretend I didn’t care, and said, “Can we go now?”

    I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just standing there, didn’t want to leave yet, hoping

there was still a chance. She said, “You made up the story of you and that other girl didn’t you? I

know I frustrate you sometimes, but I’ll change, can’t we start over?”

    I didn’t say a word, just looked down and shook my head. After that we just kept on walking

towards the train station, didn’t say a word to each other.

    Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early, so it was still curable.

Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal life again, and even forgot about the cancer. I

didn’t think about the cancer again and did not go back to the doctor. Until a month ago, my stomach

was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare awakened me again. First I thought the pain

would go away, but it grew stronger until to the point that I couldn’t take it anymore. I went back

to the doctor and took an X-ray.

    The picture came out and there was a big black spot, which proved the truth that I did not want

to believe. I was at the most glittering part of my life, but it was coming to an end. I wanted

myself and the people around me to go through the least pain possible, so I decided to commit

suicide. But I couldn’t let people find out about my intentions, especially Susan, the person I love

the most in this whole world, who still doesn’t know about the truth. Susan was still young, she

shouldn’t have to go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel thing

to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out three years’ feelings. I didn

’t have much time, because I would soon start to loose hair and she would find out eventually. But

now I’m close to succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come

to an end, that was what I had in mind.

    The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We were just standing there, waiting,

loosing our last moments in silence.

    I saw the taxi from far away; I held my tears and said to her, “Take care of yourself, take good

care of yourself.”

    She didn’t talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out

on the street. Out in the rain, we became two single life forms, one red, one black, so far away from

each other. I opened the door for her and she got in, then I close the door that would separate me

from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in the dark window, at the first love in my life, also

the last one, walking out of my life.

    The car started, driving into the street. Finally I couldn’t hold my sorrow and the twist in my

heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after the taxi, because I knew, this would be the

last time I see her. I wanted to tell her I still love her, I wanted to tell her to stay, I wanted to

tell her so much, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down my

face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold, not because of the rain. I was cold inside.

    She left, and I didn’t get anymore of her phone calls even until today. I know she didn’t see

my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets. But I’m not Chris, I’m

that girl Susan, using my memory, and his diary I found after one year since he left, writing down

these last words.

     雨已经连续下了快一个多星期了。连续的雨天让人感到烦躁和无聊。她打电话说她一会要过来，这是她那个星

期第三次过来看我。我总是想着她为什么不辞辛劳地来这里的原因，然后去附近的7-11见她。她一个人站在那里，

手里握着一把红雨伞。她朋友已经和她分手了 。雨还是不停地下，她在雨中瑟瑟发抖。在大雨里，她穿的很单薄，

显得那么脆弱和无助。我走过去对她说：“你不要再来看我了，”还有“我们不会在一起”的话。

    她说：“我想你。”

    我冷冷地对她说：“走吧，我送你回家。”

    她没有把她的伞撑开，我知道她想和我在一起。

    我说：“打开你的伞，走吧。”

    她很不情愿地撑开伞。走到车跟前，她说她午饭和晚饭都没有吃，问我能否停下来找个地方吃饭。

    我马上冷生生地回答道：“不行！”

    她失望地对我说要我送她去火车站，说是要乘火车回家。

    大概是因为下雨的原因吧，乘火车的人特别多。人们都撑着雨伞，提着箱子，都想匆匆地赶回家，根本没有注

意到周围的人。我们等了又等，她无辜地看着我，我们在一起相处了很长时间，我当然知道她的用意。在这种天气

她一路走来来到这里，我却那样对她，我自然了解她的感受。她用温柔的眼神注视着我，让我有一种罪恶感，真想

让她留下来过夜。

    然而，现实再次次袭击而来，我冷酷地对她说：“我们去其他火车站看看吧。”

    我们曾经都住在同一套公寓的同一楼层。当时就我们四个人，大家在一起相处得很好。我们在一起吃晚餐，看

电影，还有什么野营之类的事。我们就像一家人，但我却没想到自己最后会爱上我们中惟一的一个女孩。也许，是

在大学的最后一年，在一起生活了两年之后，我们彼此之间才有了深厚的感情。毕业之后，她回家了，而我又继续

呆了一年以完成学业。在那一年，我只能在假期乘火车去她家看她，但是呆在一起的时间总是很短。我们就是这样

保持我们宝贵的情感。

    我们沿着公路慢慢走着。她在我的前面，我在她的后边。她的伞有个伞骨坏了。她看起来就像个受伤的士兵，

挎着生锈的步枪有气无力地走着。很多次，不管她做什么事她都陷入沉思，在路上摇晃不定，差点都被驶过来的车

给撞了。我本想去扶她一下，但是因为对她的爱和在我心头的痛，我没有那么做。在路上，我们路过了以前经常去

的公园。

    她乞求道：“我们去公园待会吧，我保证待会就回家。”

    听到她的乞求的声音，我冷酷的心也开始变软了，可我却板着一副烦闷的脸。步入公园，我就坐在长凳上，摆

出一付想要离开的样子。她走到大橡树下，好像在寻找什么东西。我知道她正在寻找我们半年前在橡树上用银色的

钢笔写的字。如果我没记错的话，我们当时是这样写的：“克里斯和苏珊今天来到这里，克里斯在喝茶，苏珊喝着

热巧克力。希望克里斯与苏珊永远记住今天，永远深爱彼此，永不分开。”她在周围找了一圈，然后眼含泪水地走

了回来。

    她说：“克里斯，我找不到了，它不在了。”

    我心里感到一丝酸楚，有一阵疼痛涌上心头。这是一种我以前从未体味到的痛楚。但是，我所做的只是假装我

并不在乎，我说：“我们现在可以走了吧？”

    我撑开我的黑色大雨伞，而她却还站在那里，还不想离开，希望还能有一点机会。她说：“你和那个女孩的故

事，是你编的吧？我知道我有时候很让你泄气，但我会改的，我们能重新开始吗？”

    我没有说一句话，只是摇着头。之后，我们就一直朝火车站的方向走去，没有和对方说一句话。

    四年前，医生说我得了癌症，由于病情发现得早，所以仍有治愈的可能。我认为万事太平了，我就重新过我的

平常生活，几乎将癌症的事情遗忘了。我没有再想癌症的事，也没有去看医生。可是一个月后，我的胃一直疼了两

个星期，晚上噩梦又吓醒我。当初，我认为胃疼一阵就会没事的，可是疼得越来越厉害，我都不能忍受住了。我去

看医生并拍了X片。

    图片出来后发现有一个大的黑点，事实证明了一切，我都不敢相信。我正处人生中最辉煌的时期，可生命却走

到了尽头。我想我要尽可能减少我和我身边的人的痛苦，于是我决定自杀，可我又不能让他们知道我的用意，特别

是苏珊。苏珊还很年轻，她不能目睹这个，于是我就编故事骗她。这是很残忍的事情，让她伤心，可是这也是能掩

盖三年感情的最简单方法。我的时间不多了，因为我很快就要散开头发，到时她就会发现事情的真相了。我几乎快

要成功了，这出戏也将很快结束。我脑子里想的就是再多三十分钟就会结束。

    火车停下来了，我给她叫了辆出租车，可我们只是站在那里等待，最后陷入了沉默的状态。
我看见远处的出租车，忍住眼泪对她说：“照顾好你自己，好好照顾你自己。”

    她没有说话，只是轻轻地点下头，之后打开她那把变形的雨伞走向大路。在雨中，我们俩孤零零的，一个红色

的，一个黑色的，彼此之间的距离是那么的遥远。我为她打开门，她走进去，我关上了门，一扇门把我们俩永远地

分开了。我站在出租车的旁边，向那扇黑色的窗户望去。人生中的第一次恋爱，也是最后一次恋爱，却走出了我的

生命。

    汽车开动，向大路开去，最后我实在是控制不住内心的悲伤和折磨了，我知道这是我最后一次能看见她了。我

拼命地挥手，快速地追赶那辆出租车。我想要告诉她的是我仍然爱她，我想告诉她要她留下来，我想把很多很多事

情都告诉她，可是出租车已经转弯了。热泪混杂着冰冷地雨滴，从脸上流下来。我感到寒冷，不是因为雨水，而是

我的心里冷。

    她离开了，直到今天我也没有接到她的电话。我知道她看不见我流泪的，因为雨水把我的泪水都冲刷掉了，我

毫无悔恨地离开了。但是，我不是克里斯，我是那个女孩苏珊，在他离开一年后我发现了他的日记，我就用我的记

忆写下了最后一些文字。